10 Of The Most Unhelpful Things You Can Say When Someone Is In Pain

I believe that people are inherently good. We want to be helpful and make others feel good. When people are in crisis, we often scramble for ways to make them feel better and to avoid sitting in the pain with them. Being with someone in their distress is hard.

People say some of the strangest things in an effort to make someone feel better. Most of these statements are things we’ve learned. We hear them from people we trust and believe that they’re supposed to work. Most of these platitudes or “motivational statements” fall flat or leave us feeling like absolute crap.

I like to call those overly positivity, motivational statements “toxic positivity” when they are handed to in moment of distress. These well-intentioned, positive phrases often make us feel dismissed and misunderstood when used at the wrong time.

Here are ten of the most unhelpful things you can say to someone when they’re in pain and exactly why they’re so unhelpful.

1. “Get over it.” Yes, you want them to get over it. That would be very nice, wouldn’t it? They want to get over it too. If they knew how, I bet they would do it. This statement rushes the process, shuts down the conversation, and invalidates the feeling.
2. “Move on.” Ah yes, another suggestion that rushes the process. This statement invalidates what the person is feeling, makes it clear you do not want to hear more about it, and tells them not to feel it, all at the same time. It’s also not very specific. How does one “move on” on command? What exactly does that entail?
3. “It’s not that big of a deal.” Maybe not the best things to say to a person who is overwhelmed by something that really does seem like a big deal to them in this moment. What we consider to be a big deal is all about perspective. There is no universal scale. 100% invalidating.
4. “But did you try (insert suggestion)?” I have learned that what people hate most when they’re in pain is a suggestion. Especially if it’s yoga or turmeric. Avoid those two suggestions unless explicitly asked about yoga and/or turmeric.
5. “At least it’s not (insert situation that you think is worse).” This one is so gloriously awful. You are literally telling the person that they don’t have a right to be upset because something else bad happened in the world. Rough. 10/10 would not recommend.
6. “I wouldn’t have done that.” What a wonderful way to assert superiority when someone is down! This one fails 10/10 times.
7. “Everything happens for a reason.” This one is incredibly awful when something happens that just cannot be explained, like a death. Some things just happen and they are awful. Finding the reason isn’t always possible or helpful.
8. “You brought this on yourself.” Honestly, nothing is that simple. Instead of being curious, we’re using blame as a way to shame the person into taking responsibility. Not helpful or effective.
9. “You need to try harder.” When someone is experiencing a failure or a loss, this isn’t the best way to motivate them. It is possible that someone is trying their hardest and things still didn’t work out. If they do in fact need to try harder, that will become apparent without you informing them in this moment. Trust me.
10. “Calm down.” Let’s just set the record straight right now, never in the history of the world has this statement ever helped someone calm down. Avoid this one at all costs.

These statements all fail for the same reasons.

• They rush and invalidate a person’s experience.
• They convey a message that what the person is feeling is wrong.
• They tell you your reaction needs to stop.
• And they imply that you, the giver of wisdom in this moment, know better.

So how do we support people when they’re in pain?

1. Validate. Here are some statements that you can use and make your own:

• “I hear you.”
• “That sounds really hard.”
• “I can’t even imagine how difficult this is.”
• “Damn. That is so tough.”
• “That sounds like a lot.”
• “I’m here for you.”
• “I’m not going to leave you.”
• “I’ll help you through this.”
• “I know you feel alone right now, but just know you have me.”

2. Get curious. Be careful not to say “I understand” right away. You may not actually understand and the person may feel like you didn’t take the time to learn about their situation or adequately provide them with a space to share. Here are some variations you can use and make your own:

• “Can you tell me more about that?”
• “What are your concerns right now?”
• “Can you help me understand what has been going on?”
• “I really want to understand this more so I can help you.”
• “Let’s talk about it.”

3. Refrain from offering advice until you’ve been explicitly told that the person wants problem solving help. Seriously, don’t do it.

Humans want to be understood and seen. It’s our deepest desire and the motivation behind much of our behavior. Language has the power to make people feel a sense of belonging. This is why our words matter. A simple shift in what you say to someone struggling can make a huge difference.

If you want to learn more about this, listen to my episode on The Dear Mind, You Matter Podcast

We discuss toxic positivity, how to be a good support person, and more. You can listen here.